Whiskey Lullaby
by WickedForGood13
Summary: Jesse and Rachel both feel guilty for the pain they've caused the other. WARNING: Character death.
1. Chapter 1 Jesse POV

Jesse was sorry. He was sorry for causing Rachel pain. He was sorry that Shelby had decided that she didn't want Rachel. He was sorry that Rachel had been put through that kind of rejection. He was sorry that he was the reason for the disbelieving expression in her eyes when he cracked that egg on her forehead. Jesse was sorry for many things.

But the one thing he wasn't sorry for—being a part of Rachel's life.

Meeting Rachel had been mere chance. When Shelby had found out, she had forced him to go along with her scheme, threatening to take away his solo and his scholarship. Jesse complied, thinking that 'befriending' Rachel would be a good acting exercise and nothing more. He hadn't planned on falling for her.

But fall for her he did.

Now she would have nothing to do with him. He didn't blame her at all. He wouldn't want to have anything to do with him either if he were Rachel.

So, he packed his bags and left Ohio.

UCLA was everything he'd thought it would be.

There was just one thing missing…Rachel.

God, how he missed her. He missed her drama and the way she could rattle off long, complicated sentences without pausing for air. He missed her laugh and the way she kissed.

He loved her, therefore he missed her.

Many times Jesse contemplated calling Rachel to explain himself. Only his fear of rejection kept him from picking up the phone. He'd been rejected all his life, mostly by his parents. He couldn't handle Rachel rejecting him as well.

Jesse made up his mind to forget Rachel and move on to becoming a greater star than he already was.

However, his heart wasn't in it anymore. He realized that he'd left his heart with her, Rachel Berry.

At UCLA, Jesse was popular, even more so than he'd been in high school. Being popular, he was invited to all the hot parties. In an attempt to forget the pain he'd caused, he turned to partying and drinking.

Pretty soon, that was all Jesse did—party and drink.

His grades suffered. Jesse didn't care. He didn't care about anything or anyone anymore, except Rachel. His love for her never faded, no matter how much he attempted to drink it away.

Jesse had been at UCLA for two years when the unthinkable happened: he drank himself to death.

He left a note, addressed to Rachel:

_Dear Rachel,_

_First of all, I want to apologize for all the pain I've caused you. I know you don't want to hear this, but it has to be said. The truth must be told._

_Our first meeting was purely coincidence. Shelby found out about our date and threatened to take away my solo and my scholarship if I didn't agree to bring you two together. I was genuinely attracted to you though. Our relationship was not a lie. Every kiss, every touch, everything was real. Please believe me. The only time I lied to you was when I said, "I loved you."_

_I love you, present tense. I always have and I always will. You had my heart at "Hello."_

_I'm sorry for leaving in high school and I'm sorry for leaving you now._

_However, if you've moved on with your life, as I hope you have, then whether I live or die won't matter._

_I love you, my funny girl._

_Jesse_


	2. Chapter 2 Rachel POV

Rachel was shocked. Jesse St. James was dead. The boy she loved more than life itself was dead.

She'd never gotten over him. After he'd left, she tried to move on with Finn but her heart wasn't in the relationship. She realized that it still belonged to Jesse.

Over time, Rachel had convinced herself that her and Jesse's entire relationship had been a lie. So when she read his note, she was overjoyed to discover that he loved her, had always loved her, and would continue to love her, even after death.

She didn't know what to do. With Jesse no longer living, Rachel felt lost.

She shut down. She barely ate. She couldn't bring herself to smile or laugh. She couldn't even bring herself to sing.

Her dads tried to get her to see a therapist, but Rachel would merely sit in his office and not say a word.

Rachel soon found herself heading down the same path as Jesse. She began to party and drink in an attempt to make the pain go away.

She went too far though, and drank herself to death, just like Jesse.

Even in death, Rachel refused to be outdone.

She left a note for her friends and family:

_I'm sorry for leaving. _

_With Jesse no longer living, my life had no meaning. He __**was**__ my life. _

_I'm sorry for all the pain you'll be suffering because of me. _

_Without Jesse, I couldn't survive. I'm in a better place now, with him._

_I love you all, but I love Jesse more._

_I'm sorry._

_Rachel_


	3. Chapter 3 Meeting in Heaven

Rachel was floating, eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of defying gravity.

She opened her eyes to find herself among the clouds.

Someone was approaching her.

"Jesse," Rachel breathed, running towards him, reminiscent of their last meeting in her high school parking lot.

Unlike the previous time, however, where he simply waved at her before allowing her to be egged, this time Jesse picked her up and twirled her around.

Their eyes met and then they were kissing.

When they broke apart, tears were streaming down both their faces, mingling together.

"I'm sorry," they chorused.

"No, Rachel. Let me say it. I'm sorry for everything—your mom, the egging, Regionals. And, most of all, I'm sorry for dying and leaving you alone."

"Jesse, we're together now. That's all that matters," said Rachel, cupping his face in her hands and kissing him passionately. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry we couldn't be together in life and I'm sorry for leaving my family alone."

"You left them a note. They'll understand, eventually."

"Oh, Jesse," Rachel sobbed. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Rach," murmured Jesse. "I love you."

Rachel smiled through her tears. "You don't know how long I've wanted to hear you say that."

"I'm sorry it took me so long," Jesse smiled sadly.

"Enough apologies," said Rachel. "We have eternity. Don't we? We are in heaven, aren't we?"

"Yes. We are in heaven and we do have eternity. And I'm going to spend it making up for the time I wasted and lost."

Then they shared a lingering kiss before walking off hand in hand.


End file.
